Have you ever thought: “Gosh darn it by gum, I jolly well wish I could talk like one of those fancy Alien fellows off the telly. That would really brighten things up around here!” I know I have. Well for the first time, my technique can teach you how talk exactly like your favourite Sci-Fi (Short for Scientific Filming) Alien, be it Datum from “Star Tricks”, Talc from “Gate to the Stars”, or Gary Balthasar from “Cablecar Galaxy”.
This revolutionary idea also works for peasant people from some backwater corner of the universe, or if you want to impersonate marvellous mechanical man.
So, are you ready? I bet you’re eager to get started, so let’s go!
9: Simple Questions If someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to, don’t say “I don’t know”, instead say “I do not know” (There’s a fuller explanation of this technique later). As long as you deliver it in an emotionless monotone, your friends and family will think you’ve been replaced by an Alien from the planet Earthlax! Remember to shake things up though, don’t get stuck in a rut with your responses to questions. In the same situation, you could say “It is forbidden to speak of these things among my people”, or “Why do you ask these questions, human?”
If someone asks wants to know what you’re doing, say “It is a custom among my people.” You never have to explain why you’re peeking in a window, or attaching mirrors to your shoes again.
8: At a party If you’re at a party and you would like to get to know some new people and you also want to try out your new super cool alien talk, you can try some of these handy ice-breakers:
“Halt, state your designation, Alien Scum” (People will especially like this as referring to them as an Alien means that to you, Humans are the Aliens! So much fun!!!)
or, “What is this strange substance you call… pasta salad? We have nothing like this on my world”
or, if you’re feeling adventurous “I have heard your people speak of ‘kissing’, can you instruct me in the ways of your people”. (Remember only try this if you’re ready for a steamy night!)
7: At homeLet’s say you’re having a quiet night in with your Human Mating Companion (See how easy it is!), you can introduce your fun new hobby here as well.
“Human female”, you could say, “, what is this device? It like a window to another world, and yet there is nothing behind it?”
“Mating Companion, shall we leave this abode and venture out into the night? We could partake in one of your imbibement rituals or one of the many colourful attractions at the centre of your primitive city.”
6: No contractions - “I can not” instead of “I can’t”. This goes in conjunction with number 2, but don’t read ahead! You’ll need to digest all of this information in order for your puny mind to grasp the concept!
5: Be as verbose as possible
4: Condescension, Condescension, Condescension - Always talk down to the people you meet. Aliens always think they’re better than us lowly humans. The silly beggars!
3: Refuse to understand - Aliens never grasp even the most basic of human customs or technologies. Constantly look confused. Cock your head to the side and raise an eyebrow when presented with the most simple obstacle.
2: Enunciate - Imagine each syllable and each word as being very unfriendly neighbours! A bit like my neighbours! Make sure each of them has its own house to live in so it never has to come into contact with the others. Pronounce each word, carefully and deliberately, making sure each one is finished before the next one starts! This will make you sound like a super intelligent Alien who learned English in a matter of minutes.
1: Mispronounce - As you may have picked up from watching your favourite science shows, Aliens often say things in funny ways! The funghi men from Star Tricks would always say “Human”, as “Hyoo-Mon”.
Words ending in “or” are a Godsend for any sci-fi speaking aficionado. The word “Replicator” for instance, most English speakers would naturally pronounce the end of the word with a short “ah”, or “or” sound, not so for our Alien cousins! Making a long drawn out sound to rhyme with “door”, simple! Try it for yourself!
If you follow these steps you too can incorporate this fun new way of talking and behaving into your daily life. My ex-wife was a huge fan of the technique before she left. She said it always brightened up her day, at the beginning at least.
I’ve had tons of fun with it, and I try to do it as often as possible, and I hope you will too. If you need any help with it or have any questions, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for reading, and enjoy, puny human!
Terrance Gulp is our science fiction correspondent. We regret to say this will be his final article with us as we part ways, so he can pursue other projects.
So God comes to Noah and says, “Hey, Guy. Listen. I need an Ark.” And Noah says, “Ok, cool. I’ll get on it.”
“Yeah, yeah.”, says God, ” and I need it to have a whole load of floors.”
“Ok, fine. Like, ten?”, asks Noah.
“I don’t know, whatever; A bunch. And I want you to get all the different types of carp and put them in it.”, meandered the Lord.
“I think I’ve heard this one - “, started Noah.
“Yeah, anyway, whatever. Listen. I also want you to base it on the United Kingdom Conservative Party.”, continued God..
“What? Like posters or what?”
“Yeah, fine. Just make sure there’s no doubt that it’s got the look and feel of the Conservatives. Y’know, blue and wasteful. Am I right?”, joked The Almighty, nudging Noah with his omnipotent elbow.
“Ok, so - “, tried Noah.
“Yeah, and I want it to made from wood.”
There was a short pause. Noah was expecting more but God just stared at him in silence.
“Anything else?”, Noah asked.
“Yeah”, a smile came over God’s face, as if he was the only person in on the joke, “I want the wood to be from Malta.”
There was an awkward silence. God had been expecting Noah to understand but not everyone was on his level. It was something he had come to terms with but it had taken a long time.
“So…”, prompted God.
“So…what?”, replied Noah, dimly.
“So, what would it be?”
“An Ark. Made from wood from Malta. With Conservatives posters and David Cameron stuff. With a bunch of floors and full of Carp.”, summarised Noah.
“Ok… So… if you put it all together… What would that be?”. God really felt like he was doing all the work here. If Noah didn’t get it soon, He was just going to tell him.
“It would be a… An Ark with… -“, tried Noah.
“It would be, Noah, it would be a Maltese. Tory. Carp. Ark. Get it? It’s an Ark, right? And it’s got several floors, like a Multi-Story Car Park, right? And the Carp mean it would be a Multi-Story Carp… Ark. Carp Ark. Get it? So, then the Conservatives, right, they’re known as the Tories in the UK. Ok?”. God explained
“Ok”, said Noah, blankly.
“Ok, And the wood from Malta - “
“Is wood from Malta special or something?”, injected Noah.
“I don’t know. It’s not about the wood. So the wood from Malta is Maltese, yeah. So it’s Maltese- ‘cause of Malta - Tory- from the Tories - Carp - yeah? Carp - Ark - because of the Ark thing, because it’s an Ark.”, finished God with an expectant look on his ephemeral façade. Noah looked back at him blankly. They locked eyes for a short time until Noah asked “So… when do you need it by? Is it urgent or what?”
God sighed, an almighty sigh, a sigh that could sink cities beneath the sands and raze the greatest forests into kindling. Then He looked down at the little man beneath him and frowned.
“Never mind, Noah. Never mind.”
You can barely make it out but this is a transit van with “have consideration for others, please” written in the dirt on the back (at Sydenham)
Part 3 of Book(tm) from Dubious Industries
More comedy at: https://www.youtube.com/user/AThousandMachines/
Part 2 of Book(tm) from Dubious Industries
More comedy at: https://www.youtube.com/user/AThousandMachines/
Part 1 of Book(tm) from Dubious Industries