EveryOneOfMyThousandRobots

If you knew me, you'd totally get it. I promise.

Better wavy cubes.
Removed the exponent from the starting position and added a white light to brighten it a little.

Better wavy cubes.
Removed the exponent from the starting position and added a white light to brighten it a little.

Had an unpleasant realisation…

… that life often feels less about doing things or achieving goals than just trying to hang on and not let depression get the better of me until the next thing comes along that momentarily relieves the pressure.

That’s all it seems to be some times. Depression is often described as the inability to imagine the future but I feel more like it’s my inability to imagine being able to just get there.

I haven’t even been able to sit through a full episode of anything all week, because at some point my mind wonders and I can feel that weight pressing down on me. I try to keep myself continuously stimulated so I don’t have to spend too much time with my own thoughts but it doesn’t seem to be working recently.

I’ve been trying to write things but all I can think is how pointless it is to even try. And then I feel bad about how stupid it all sounds. Like some whiny teenager, who finds the idea of mental illness cool and interesting. I end up beating myself up for being depressed, like that’s going to help. I don’t want to burden everyone with my problems but I can’t keep it all to myself.

I tried to go out but I haven’t been able to get it together to contact anyone. I’ve lost touch with or alienated so many people, there’s almost no-one left.

I’ll probably feel better tomorrow. It’s always worse in the afternoons and evenings.

I just have to hold on for another 10 days and then I’ll be back in Berlin with my lady and everything will be ok. Oh look, there it is again: “Just hold on”.